Dear Chattery

Well, butter my biscuits and slap on the recyclable sunscreen, because today we’re chatting with the Executive in Chief of, let’s call it, “Obsidian Industries.” You’ve probably never heard of them, but your grandchildren will. They’ll be the ones coughing up the polluted legacy this mega-corporation is generously gifting to the world.

Mr. Executive, it’s an honor to meet you. Truly. Your reputation precedes you. If there were an award for ‘Most Effort Spent on Destroying the Planet While Pretending to Save It’, you’d need to hire a new assistant just to polish the trophies.

Tell us, how did you find the perfect formula to greenwash your operations? No, really, your website is bursting at the seams with corporate jargon that would make a dictionary blush. Did it take many brainstorming sessions to replace “we’re polluting the planet” with “we’re passionately pursuing aggressive, yet sustainable growth”?

Now, about your so-called ‘carbon offset programs.’ It’s a bit like tossing a single water balloon at a forest fire and patting yourself on the back, isn’t it? How do you maintain that poker face when announcing the planting of 100 trees after decimating an entire forest? That must take some guts, or perhaps a superb sense of humor.

Your company’s efforts to follow environmental regulations remind me of a diet where you gobble down a pizza then balance it with a stick of celery. We appreciate that you’ve finally stopped using plastic straws in your company cafeteria. Truly groundbreaking! Maybe next you’ll invent the wheel or discover fire.

But let’s not be too negative. Your team of PR experts is doing a phenomenal job. They’re so good, they’ve almost convinced us that you’re a glowing champion of sustainability. Bravo! With their carefully chosen phrases, who could possibly notice the sludge leaking out of your factories?

And the innovation you’ve shown in circumventing the spirit of the environmental regulations – impressive! The way you’ve outsourced your dirtiest operations to places where no one’s looking is truly ingenious. You’re like a magician, aren’t you? Now you see pollution, now you don’t!

I wonder, do you have a special closet for your green-colored costumes? Is it next to the one where you keep your conscience? I’m genuinely curious. And when you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, how do you manage to see a ‘leader in sustainable practices’ instead of a Pied Piper leading humanity off a cliff?

Now, before we end this enlightening chat, tell us about your future plans. Any more forests you’re planning to ‘renovate’? Or perhaps another clean coal mine in the offing?

And, if it’s not too much to ask, please consider providing your employees with gas masks. I mean, they’ll need them sooner or later, right?

Well, it was a pleasure chatting with you, Mr. Executive. Your dedication to ‘sustainability’ is an inspiration to all. A chilling one, granted, but still.

In closing, dear readers, remember the adage: ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ With ‘Obsidian Industries,’ it’s more like ‘pollution speaks louder than PR.’ So, let’s raise a glass (a reusable one, of course) to the unstoppable march of progress, even if it leads us straight into a dystopian wasteland. Cheers!

With love and carbon particles,

Your Sassy Scribe